Archive | September, 2011

And so we are NOT that old, or are we?

25 Sep

Being 21- hey it’s just a number, no big deal. Well, yeah 21 is just a number. But as I look back at my life. What I have done, and did not do, I realized I am actually pretty old, considering the fact that I have something to look back to.

Just thinking back about my life in high school, I always have the urge to turn time around, and just go back to being 13 again. And re-living my years in high school once again. Oh man, what adventure is was in high school! Doing things that I never imagined I actually did! Stupid, crazy, ridiculous, horrible experiences, name it, and we have done them.

High school was the time of my life. Not so much in Junior College though, as life there was tough and stressful. Never liked my Junior College life- too competitive. Wasn’t my wisest decision at all. (side track)

I remembered in the 1st year of high school, my BFF and I was like a social outcast in class. No one like us (me actually,  not really her). We are always in our own world, not talking to the other girls in class. I remember clearly, once during Chinese class, we were so pissed with this super annoying boy, that I suddenly blared out, ‘SHUT UP!’ The teacher mistakenly thought I asked her to shut up. And was like, ‘What?! You ask me to shut up?!’ Oh man, I cannot believe I actually blared: SHUT UP in the middle of the lesson! Like- WTH?  HAHA.

In Shen Zhen for exchange. From the left: BFF, me at 15 years old

Outside the school Library. Clockwise: Dor, RP, XL, Me, HM

When we are still in the NeoPrint craze. From the left: BFF, me

Not to mention, my over- concern with my weight in my 1st year. I was on a serious no- food- for- 22 hours campaign. Not so much of a campaign, considering that I was the only active member participating! I literally went without solids for 22 hours. I skipped breakfast, lunch break, and only had like a 2 spoons full of rice, and some sides for dinner! How ridiculously stupid was I? I in the end, had loss so much weight, and my lightest mass was 37-39kg! RIDICULOUS!

Due to self- deprivation of nutrition, I nearly fainted on my way after church. That was when my eating routine, was monitoring by my nagging Mother. Haiz, Memories.

After all the incidents that have happened in my life- the good and the bad, I believe everything happens for a reason. If not for some petty events back in Primary School, I would have not known and be close with my now BFF. If not for my teacher in Primary School who placed me and her to sit together in classes, I too would not have gotten to know her. And if not for entering in the same high school, we would not have shared so many ridiculous memories together. And if not for having similar PSLE score, we will not be in the same class for 4 years all through high school.

There are soooo many if nots. If not for this, I will have not… …. Life has so many what ifs, and if nots. It is so fascinating to see how life can change because of events that happen in our lives. If we keep on pondering on the what ifs, how terrible and miserable our life would be. We will be dwelling on the past, thinking how things will be different, if we had done it differently.

We should not think of the what ifs, and look forward. For life starts anew every second. We can make a change in our future and not in our past. The second spend thinking of how things would be different, is a second lost to have a better future. For that moment could be put to good use to change.

So, back to the title, ‘ And so we are NOT that old, or are we?’

If we are always looking back, and thinking of all the times we regret or would like to change, we are old. WHY? Because we are so caught up in the past. Be it the glory days, or the days of our lowest point, we are still caught up in it. Why keep reminiscing the past, when we are living in the present- which will soon be a past if we do not cherish it?

However, if we keep looking forward and never turning back, despite the good and the bad, we see a whole life ahead of us- a horizon that never ends. And even being 70, we are still young. Because, as long as we are still alive, we can change things around. We can make a difference. We can make an impact. Good things will come, if we have faith, and never give up. So don’t look back and regret. Regret only brings sadness and pain, but looking forward brings hope and joy!

Having (good/bad) memories and always dwelling in regrets are 2 different things. So are we young or old? That is for you to decide.

Masks That We Put On

7 Sep

How tiring it is to have to put on a mask every single day when we encounter different people.

To our bosses, we put on a lovely pretentious smile to ensure that they are pleased with us- so that our paychecks are safe. To acquaintances, we are usually more polite, and well- manner(well that’s for me). To close friends, on the other hand, we (well-me) treat them like family.When we are angry, we flare out our anger in front of them, speaking our mind, and not afraid of hurting their feelings.

But to people we ain’t that close- we tend to keep them ‘happy’- saying all the right words and doing all the right actions not to please them (unless of course, that’s your boss), but to ensure that they are not provoked. I mean, one less conflict, is better than have 1 more. Life is more peaceful that way.

Having 1 more acquaintance, is definitely better than 1 more enemy right? Maybe not so. If you asked me this question a few months ago, I would definitely agree that 1 less enemy is way better. Who of the sane mind would want an enemy?

But in the process of ensuring we have 1 less enemy, we put on masks. We do things against out believes, and what we feel is right. We say things we totally do not mean at all or agree upon- saying those words for the sake of the other party’s ear.

I feel sick in the tummy just thinking about this. We are such a bunch of fake losers (including me- I’m definitely guilty as charged)! We try to suck up to bosses, boot lick anyone or everyone who are of benefit to us. We should be ashamed of ourselves! BUT of course, that’s life, one would say.

Well, life ain’t all about climbing the ladder to success. Life ain’t all about being Miss Popular. Life ain’t all about being someone you are NOT. What is life, when we aren’t true to ourselves?!

A recent event in my life made this point clear to me. In order to get a job done, we somethings have to act a certain way, behave in a certain manner. And for whom? For the person that will help us get the job done of course!

Frankly, I do not see a need to act that way or even behave in that manner. But however, the other party insists so. Reluctant- I had to do it to get the job done by the deadline. (By the way, I still have yet to do so)

I honestly don’t see a big deal. The task is so minor and really insignificant, that I feel the other party is making such a huge deal about it.

This entire act itself is a hoax! If I am only going to act the way I did for that split moment to get the job done, and the other remaining days of the year, I do not speak or even have a slight moment thinking about you. Then, why in the world would my actions actually impact you at all? Why? What is wrong with you?

Because of this, I feel like a total pretentious b___- doing things which are totally not what I feel I should be doing.

However, thanks to this event. I realized that the masks that I am wearing must come off (after I am done with this task)! No more will I suck up to anyone (okay, maybe my future superior at work). No more will I say things just to make the other person feel good, and in the process I made 1 less enemy.

What is the good of having so many acquaintances, when just a few close friends are more than enough. Acquaintances, ain’t going to help you in times of need. Well, to put it plainly, they might as well be enemies.

I remember a few months back, I got a complaint from my boss accusing me of something that I was obviously not in the wrong of. But to ensure as little tension between us, I just accepted whatever he said.

So now, I will try to be brave. To speak my mind. To stand up for my rights. Even it meant getting other people’s feelings hurt, or having a relationship turn sour. I need to learn to speak up, and defend myself.

Tear off the stupid pretentious mask, and start being ME, for god has created me and not some fake b___ who is not true to herself!

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